My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
