this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
