Duck Duck Cougar?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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