I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
