I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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