My liver just broke up with me...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
