i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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