i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
