Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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