you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
