Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
