Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
