Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
