Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
