honey bunches of taint.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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