Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
