whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
