Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
