i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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