The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
