my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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