I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
tonight lets celebrate not being married
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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