my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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