u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Can Purell be used as lube?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
