I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i now understand why vodka
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
