So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
