I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
