I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
