A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
