Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
