you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
