Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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