I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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