I faked an abortion last night.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
