Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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