The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
zippers are such a cool invention
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
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