remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
