note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
