Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
