I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
