Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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