My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
