just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
