My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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