i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
