I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
