don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
