OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
