official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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