tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
